We all have that one person. Maybe it is a difficult client who scrutinises every line of your proposal. Maybe it is a new manager whose style clashes with yours. Or perhaps it is a stakeholder you simply cannot get on the same page with. How can we use the Science of Liking to repair broken relationships?
Your instinct is to avoid them. You send emails instead of calling. You keep meetings short.
But here is the hard truth for professionals: You cannot persuade someone you are avoiding.
Research shows that having a strong relationship can easily double your likelihood of reaching an agreement. Conversely, if the rapport is frozen, your influence will be compromised.
The “Time is Money” Experiment
In a study involving MBA students negotiating a deal, one group was told, “Time is money. Get straight to business.” In this group, around 55% were able to reach an agreement. A second group was told to exchange some personal information and identify a similarity before negotiating. In this group, 90% reached a successful outcome. By simply defrosting the relationship first, they nearly doubled their success rate. (Source: Morris, M. W., Nadler, J., Kurtzberg, T. R., & Thompson, L. L. (2002). Schmooze or lose: Social friction and lubrication in e-mail negotiations. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice)
So, how do you fix a broken professional relationship without being fake? The answer lies in the Science of Liking.
The Science of Liking: Why We Are Helpless Against Praise
It doesn’t take a scientist to work out that people like to deal with people they like. But what might surprise you is how mechanically this works in the brain.
The Principle of Liking is driven by three main factors:
- We like people who are like us (Similarities).
- We like people who like us (Affinity).
- We like people who like us and say they like us (Compliments).
You can work magic with any of these dynamics, but let’s concentrate on that third point.
A study conducted in North Carolina examined how men responded to comments from another person who needed a favour from them. Some received positive comments, some negative, and some mixed.
- The Result: The person giving the compliments was liked the most.
- The Kicker: It didn’t matter if the men knew the flatterer had an ulterior motive. It didn’t even matter if the praise wasn’t entirely accurate.
System 1 is practically helpless against a compliment. It lowers defences and signals safety. (Source: Drachman, D., deCarufel, A., & Insko, C. A. (1978). The extra credit effect in interpersonal attraction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology)
Case Study: The “Faith” Experiment
During one of our recent Ethical Persuasion training programmes (the Cialdini Certified Practitioner course), a student—let us call her Faith—presented a classic influence challenge.
She was a capable, mature and experienced professional, but she had a new manager in her 30s whom she didn’t like. The feeling was mutual. The relationship was ice-cold, and it was affecting the working relationship and likely the department’s productivity.
I encouraged her to pay this other lady a compliment. Faith asked me: “How am I going to do that? I really dislike this person, and she’s not fond of me either.”
My advice was simple but challenging: Be a detective.
We don’t want false flattery, which is manipulative and easily spotted. But even in the most difficult people, there is something to appreciate. It might be their punctuality, their dress sense, or their data analysis skills.
As I told Faith, it’s a bit like saying “Well, he is a total ass, but at least he turns up on time.”. Find one thing you can respect about them and let them know.
Faith realised that, despite their personality clash, her manager wrote excellent reports. So, she pushed herself to compliment the manager on a recent report genuinely.
The Result: One week later, Faith returned to the class beaming. “It was like the relationship defrosted,” she said. “We’re talking, and I think we’re starting to like each other!”
How to Apply the Science of Liking (Ethically)
If you are a leader or sales professional dealing with a “frozen” stakeholder, you don’t have months to build rapport. You need a shortcut.
Here is how to use the Science of Liking ethically:
- Stop “Mirroring” and Start Looking: Forget the old sales tricks of copying someone’s body language (which often feels creepy). Instead, look for values. What do you genuinely respect about this person? And then pay them a compliment.
- Do It Immediately: I challenge you to try this today. Find the person you have the most friction with. Find one true thing you appreciate about them. Tell them.
The ‘Patrick’ Insight: Efficiency through Science
You might be thinking, ‘Patrick, I don’t have time to hold hands and make friends. I have targets to hit.’
That is exactly why you need this science. You may think it takes months and years to build strong relationships, but System 1 forms a bond in as little as 10 to 15 minutes.
By using the Science of Liking, you aren’t just being ‘nice.’ You are removing the friction that slows down decisions. You are building or restoring the lines of communication.
This allows you to restore, strengthen, and build relationships that withstand pressure. And that is where the ‘Yes’ lives.
To hear the full breakdown of the North Carolina study and Faith’s story, listen to the episode now:
Episode 7: The Science of Liking: A Better Way to Build Rapport
Is friction in your team or client base costing you opportunities? Book a discovery call to discuss how we can train your leaders in Ethical Persuasion to build faster, stronger, and more profitable relationships.
